Blogtember: Moment When Life Took A Turn

I purposely skipped yesterday, as it involved taking a personality quiz.  I'm not into taking quizzes about myself, as I find them generic and rigid, when people are fluid and ever-changing.

So today's post: Describe a distinct moment when your life took a turn.

Without a doubt, it was Vera's birth.  Becoming a mother.  It really does change everything, and in more ways than you could ever fathom.  I am sure that the fact that your life changes once you become a mother is not news; everyone hears this at least several times when you are pregnant.  However, despite hearing this, I didn't really know what it meant until she came into my world.

And I'm not talking about the day to day changes with mothering.  Waking early, having to plan regular meals, having to make appointments and plans around naps.  Sure, those change things from pre-motherhood life.  What I am talking about is what changes within your head that changes you as a person.

For me, it was caring for myself in a way that I never had before.  I actually began thinking, "I can not die for many years to come- Vera needs me like no other".  This might sound crazy, but I really felt that I was important in someone's life enough that it might mess them up irrevocably so I better make sure I stay alive and healthy for another 30+ years.  At least!  I'd never really cared much before.

It also changed what I felt was important in my life.  Having a high level of education? A respected career?  Making good money?  Who cares.... those things drained me and hacked down my self esteem and I realized that continuing down the path I was on before would not allow me to be the best mother I could be.  And I don't miss any part of my previous career.  (Well, the money was good, and I'd plan to make that kind of money again, but it's not important enough now to keep on this new path).  Instead, I decided to go for a dream of using my creativity and craftiness as well as be my own boss.  And I love it!

And lastly, what others might think of me?  The little bit I might have cared about before has completely gone.  And even more importantly, I have come to accept that I am who I am, and if that means being a fat lady with a super short hair cut because damn it, it is so freeing!  So be it!  For proof, you can see this naked pic of me here.  Ya, really.

Underwires, You Suck

These suckers are bigger than my head! *Mustache added for comic effect. It's not real. Seriously.

Another thing I hate?  Underwire bras. 

Even when I was thin, I wasn't crazy about them, but when you wear an "average" size (I was previously floating between a 34B-36C in my thin days) the actual underwire is proportionate to your rib cage and breast size.

Now, in a 40DDD or 40H/F (depending on the brand), an underwire is a torture device that is literally larger than my head.  The makers of these torture devices are under the false notion that when you gain weight OR wear a larger size, your rib cage must be equally large. 

Let me tell you: when you gain weight, your bones don't grow.  Sure, all of my circumference measurements grew with my weight gain.  But let me repeat: MY BONES DID NOT.  My breasts may have grown to be as big as my head, but they still are attached to a rib cage that didn't enlarge in itself.  I gained some padding around my back, hence the increase to a size 40 band size.  But really, if you lay out the underwires in a plus size bra, they are much too wide.

So, these wires will poke and dig.  The dig down in my chest and poke my underarms continuously.  They will literally rub my skin raw if I have to wear them longer than 5 minutes.

Recently I bought a casual bathing suit, and I had no choice but to buy a top with those damn wires.  I wore the top with the wires in it a few times and looked like a fool fussing with it.  The top fit perfectly fine, but those damn wires were ruining everything. 

It dawned on my after a few torture sessions in the pool that I could take my snips and carefully remove them!  And, let me tell you!  What a freaking relief!

This opens up a whole new world of bras for me!  I haven't yet bought an underwire bra yet, but when I find one I like, and fits with the exception of the wire, I now know that I can just snip that damn thing out, and enjoy a nice bra.

Swimming

I've recently got myself back into the pool.  As a kid, you could have confused me with a fish with how much I loved being in water.  I took swim lessons until I was about 10 (when my mother pulled me out because I was told my lap times required me to stay back and repeat a class, to which she replied, "Well, you did learn how to swim" so that was that even though I wanted to keep going and try out for the swim team).  I had a pool through junior high and high school that I used every single day.

Then I gained some weight.  And more weight.  And I was unable to find a bathing suit that I both liked and fit in a regular store, so I gave up.  I decided I was an adult and no longer had either the time and desire to go swimming or even spend some relaxation around a pool.

But I was really just fooling myself.  My fatness was keeping me from swimming.  Finally I've come to realize and admit this to myself.

My daughter and I go to our local YMCA several times a week, and I take her into the pool.  She loves it, and so do I.  But initially, the process of getting me into the pool took some psychic cheerleading.  First, I would have to invest in a bathing suit, and one that I felt would adequately cover me in public.  I joked initially that I needed a swim burqa (there are such things for Muslim women) to look socially acceptable but settled on long board shorts and long tankini top.

First time swimming in this suit felt weird because I was being self conscious and I really didn't like the feeling of shorts to my knees in water.  But I didn't feel like anyone at the pool was staring at me in any obvious way or whispering behind their hands about the fat lady in the long swim shorts, blah blah blah.

And the more I got in the pool, I started to shed my self consciousness.  So much now, that I decided to take up lap swimming for my exercise.  Previously I had been using the track to walk a few miles and use free weights, etc, but I recently went off my medication that helps control my joint pain (I have a chronic connective tissue/rheumatology disease- yes, yes, I am one of those people) because the side effects were just intolerable so walking and what not was not as enjoyable on my body.

But the pool felt awesome!  And with my rekindled love of swimming, it only made sense to start lap swimming again.  Good on my joints, awesome cardiovascular exercise. 

Except those board shorts and tankini top were just not going to do for laps.  I went online and bought myself an athletic swim suit.  Basically, a traditional tank suit meant for actual real swimming.  I also bought some awesome goggles and as soon as they arrived, I couldn't wait to get into the pool!

By this point, I had really begun the mental shift in my head about my size separate of this decision to go back to lap swim.  What fully emotionally liberated me was posting this other post, which I have to admit I am surprised has not received much feedback at all.  I mean, it's a pic of a fat lady.  It's one of the most controversial images in the American culture.  But, I digress...

I put that bathing suit on, strapped those goggles to my head, and strut out to the pool for lap swim with my head up.  Seriously.  Whether I walk in to the pool area with my conservative pool shorts or my traditional tank suit that shows all of my cellulite and hugs all my abdominal rolls, people can see I'm obese.  And if they are going to judge, they will do so no matter what suit I wear.  There was one occasion that I walked by a group of parents who were watching their kids in a swim class that was going on, and one father was making no effort to cover his disgust at the site of me walking by.  But I looked him in the eye as I walked and smiled.  I so wanted to say, "Yes, I'm fat!  I know! But can you swim laps for an hour without stopping?"  My guess is probably not.  And I didn't say anything, but there was no way his obvious repulsion at the sight of a fat woman in a bathing suit was going to stop my love of swimming and showing up in a regular suit.






And on that note, a picture that inspired this post! 

...So, this fat lady walks into the bar....

This actually all started as a joke.

My daughter's birthday party was mostly adults, and the subject of the recaptured childhood pictures now as adults came up.  We all find them funny, and so the picture of me as an infant in the tub passed into the conversation.  This was a picture that killed me when I was younger as all I could see was the chubby leg rings and baby pot belly.  I nicknamed the picture "Sumo Sid". Of course, I had little to no exposure to infants and had no idea that this was normal, and now as a mother I know that these are actually quite loved infant traits.  I can now understand why my own mother liked the picture.

Now enter the joke.  What if I redid that picture??  Ya know, now that I have fat rolls and a belly, and bald to boot!  We all had a good laugh, and having recently decided to do things that take a little bit of guts, I thought, "Why not??"  I can get into the tub, have my husband take the shot, edit it so not too explicit, and shoot it out to the world wide web.  It would certainly be a laugh.

But then I thought, no.  I am not going to give the fat haters fodder. I am the first to have a good laugh at myself, but why should I allow strangers slam an obese lady?  People saying how I should cover up, never have shown such a pic of myself....and saying it with disgust?  Ya, I don't think so.

Instead, I post this picture (with the original Sumo Sid pic that inspired this) with pride in who I am.  I can't say I am happy to be fat.  But I accept it.  It is who I am.  I wasn't always like this, so I've been on both sides of the scale as an adult.  If given the option to be thin and wear fashionable clothing found right off the rack, or how things are now in my life, I'd chose what I already have.  I am no different than 60% of adult women in the US.  So why the hell are we shaming this?

So let me get the obvious out of the way.  Yup, I know I barely fit in an average size tub.  The only pixelating I needed to do was of my nipples, which hang pointing down from my pendulous breasts.  My gut hides any genital area that would need pixelating on a thin woman.  My legs are full of cellulite.  Ironically, my butt isn't, but I do have what I have affectionately named "my buffalo humps" just atop the back of my hips.  Oh, and to top it off, I am bald!  Yes, I shaved my head.  For charity, but let me tell you, having a buzz cut is so freeing!

I am sure fat shamers will find way more negative about this than I just outlined.  Go ahead. Because it says way more about you to start judging the way I look than about me.

What this pic doesn't show is that I am worth way more than the flesh and fluff that society judges me by.  I am an awesome mother.  I am a great wife, but not easy to be married to because I rarely let things slide.  I am creative, well educated, intelligent, and loyal.  If you are my family or my good friend, I will always be on your side (as long as it's the right side, haha!).  I have an extremely sarcastic sense of humor.  I enjoy intellectual political debate.  I try to be giving, as much as I can.  I enjoy being social, but love alone time as well.  I am happy and proud of what I have become as an adult.

Yes, of course I wish I didn't need to wear a plus size, or at least be a plus size that didn't start with a "2".  But, I have a lot of good things that make me me.  So, I say screw it.  I am who I am, and I am not ashamed.

Please share with those who want to help spread the word that fat does not mean you are worthless!