Saturday, October 26, 2013

Well, Efff Me Today. And *Thank You.

I'm not even sure that I have a theme for topic for this post other than I am just typing to vent.  Today was a shitty day, and although many of my days are frustrating (hello, 2 year old!), most of them do not leave me wanting to cry.

Today I had plans to teach a knitting class.  I've taught others to knit before, and as a little side money I decided to teach a few Saturdays before the holidays.  It would be some extra cash for Christmas presents for Vera as I prefer not to use our credit cards.  So I was very excited that 6 people signed up!  Wahoo!

My class design is meant for the ultimate beginner.  I even provide the supplies.  Prior to the class I purchased the supplies for 6 people (with the thought that maybe 1 or 2 might no show, but I could just return the stuff), then went to the classroom to set up.

Start time begins, and no one is there.  Ok, fine, people these days tend to find it acceptable to be a few minutes late (I don't, but I have noticed this trend).

 Fifteen minutes go by. Still, not a soul.  Now I know that even if someone shows up that it will be an abbreviated class because my parents are watching Vera and they both showed up very cranky for different reasons.  It was made pretty clear that having to take several hours out of their afternoon was bothersome.  I felt pressured to make sure I got home quickly.

So about 30 minutes has passed and I admit defeat.  I pack everything up and head out to return all the supplies.  Which, mind you, takes an entire 30 minutes in itself because the computer system at the store was not recognizing a few items and therefore not giving the proper return amount.


I walked out really wanting to cry.  Really. This isn't a feeling that I feel often, I'm not a big crier at all, actually, but this really was like a punch to the gut.  Perhaps I was being sensitive to this massive no-show to my class as in the last few weeks I've also been feeling worn out in my ability to mother an independent toddler who listens to no one and finds it hilarious to give her mother the hardest time about everything.

Actually, there are days I feel abused by my own child.  I hate to say that, as it seems so dramatic, but I'm drained and defeated and not sure what the right move is in parenting a little girl who has such a strong personality. 

And then, after dinner Vera asked to have her milk time.  This is a bedtime routine we have- something that we never broke from infancy basically because I didn't want to.  We sit together in a special rocking chair and read books together as she drinks some milk.  We cuddle and now that the weather is cool we snuggle under a blanket together.  It's a wonderful time, maybe more so for me because it is the one time of day she is fairly calm, quiet, and seemingly appreciative of the love I give her. 

Tonight, we start this early.  But she requested, and how can I say no to this?  Once her milk is poured, she immediately starts yelling at me to pick her up, although for reasons I can't quite remember outside of having had things to put away, etc, and I don't pick her up right away.  She nearly has a fit, flopping herself on the floor over me not picking her up RIGHT THEN.  This is coming from the same girl who not long before came up to my supper plate and tossed all my food off onto the floor and continued to smoosh all the food as quickly as she could when I was attempting to correct her.  This is the same girl who, when sternly told NO to something while I was cooking, hit me.  And the same girl who came and ripped a magazine out of my hands and proceeded to rip out the pages not long before that.

But I don't pick her up right away.  I do the things I need to do.  It take 20 seconds, if that.  She is still yelling, "Nooooo!" until the second I say, "Okay, now you can come up to Mom".  And Vera comes up into my lap, and faces me.  She rests her head down, places her arm around me.  She hugs me.  We stayed that for a few minutes.  Both of us instantly calm and we cuddle.  It was the bright spot of my day.  She finished her milk and asks to brush her teeth and go "na-nights".

Of course, getting her into pajamas was another shit show, but I guess I can't expect miracles.

And as far as the 6 students who no showed me, you can shove it.  That is the nicest way I can put it to a bunch of people who feel their time is more important than mine.


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